A Christmasy story

By Jonathan Lerma

T’was the night before Christmas as I sat on my apple.

Checkin’ on my feed and finishing a Snapple.

I hadn’t been up,

This late in years.

Nothing was on but reruns of Cheers.

“Big freakin’ whoop, this whole ‘Christmas sha-bang.’

Steve Jobs was my Santa till his i-coffin rang.

But still in my heart I knew to be right,

there was something special about this cold winter night.

When all of the sudden,

a sharp noise arose like a ghost.

Upon further investigation, I concluded it was the toaster…with some toast.

But then!

I saw a man all dressed up in red,

Swoop down the street and almost hit my friend’s shed.

“Well that isn’t good” I thought as I sprung to my feet.

“That moment when Santa almost dies in front of you”

I masterfully tweet.

I ran to the door,

 to go get a look,

Santa had landed, and was a little bit shook.

“Hey, uh…you alright?” I called from my door.

He didn’t hear me, so I yelled a bit more.

“HEY SANTA! HEY SANTA! HEY SANTA! HEY! HEY!”

What were you really expecting me to say?

I didn’t ask him to land on my grass

If he had ruined my garden I would have kicked his big, red sleigh.

He looked at me with one, hard, loathing glance.

And made his way over, authoritively, adjusting his pants.

“Well sonny boy, you’ve now seen the light,

have a Merry Christmas and all that stuff…g’night”

“Wo wo wo wo, wait just one second ‘Saint Nick’”

I said while looking around and giving my nose a flick.

“Don’t you think I should get something cool? Like a wish or a condo with an infinity pool?”

He reared back his head and fire danced in his eyes.

Then he pulled out a bazooka and said,

“Know one will know nothin’ if somebody DIES!”

The he blew up my house and my car and my pool, my tulips and turnips and the neighboring school!!

“WHY SANTA!? WHY!? DON’T YOU SEE YOUR DESTRUCTION?!”

“It’s all covered by your insurance, consider it a pre-tax season ‘deduction’”

Then he closed in…

I could feel his hot candy cane breath.

“Well at least I will go by way of a minty fresh death.”

Then all of the sudden his pistol went *click.

Click, click, click, click!

“Son of a pixie stick!”

I knew this was it.

My only chance of living.

 A swift fist to the face was the present I’d be giving.

I swung but he parried and lunged for my legs.

So I latched onto his eyeballs and scrambled‘em like eggs.

“My peepers!” yelled Santa

“Now there will be no more toys, for all the good girls and good little boys.”

But before he could finish his silly, lame rap,

I reloaded his pistol and busted a cap.

As I staggered away, he arose straight as a post.

And SUCKED OUT MY SOUL! Like a demonic ghost.

NOOOOOOOOO! Not my soul, naw….nuh, nut my….soul….santuh…

About the time that my eyes had regained their sight,

I was face down at my computer,

I had slept through the night.

So take it from me, at this Christmasy time,

Butter your toast before it gets cold.

You have about 30-45 seconds….after….the chime….

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!

Conquest

I found this poem while listening to Sterling W. Sill's talk titled "Bottles And Books" the title of the poem is: 


                        "Conquest"



Two years ago the stubble leered at him,
And great boulders stood to bar the way.
Old dying trees with twisted trunk and limb
Snarled in defiance like wild beasts at bay.
Others from time to time had scanned the space
But had not dared the struggle to begin;
So tangled was the growth that ruled the place
That few who passed it by would venture in.
And then he came and vowed to clear the land.
With drag and chain he slowly inched his way.
At night some new attack he sat and planned'
At dawn, undaunted, he resumed the fray.
I saw him once in battle, and I thought
His courage and his patience all in vain.
Today I passed the field whereon he fought
And it was flaming gold with ripening grain.


 [Author unknown]

 Ernest Henley was a hopeless cripple when he wrote "Invictus" and said:

Out of the night that covers me,

Black as the Pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be

For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance,

I have not winced nor cried aloud:

Under the bludgeonings of chance

My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this veil of wrath and tears

Looms but the Horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years

Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,

How charged with punishment the scroll,

I am the master of my fate:

I am the captain of my soul.

I have been accepted!

I am going to Thailand for my internship! I'll be serving in the city of Chang Rai. The feeling that I am leaving hasn't set in fully yet. I am in the state of mind that it will happen when it happens. My mental check list starts with 1. Winter semester 2. Internship 3. Fall semester. lol And everything that goes in between such as, work, dating, homework, adventure?

Sleeping habits

Last Friday I worked an all nighter with my friend Scott at Woodland Manf. We had a soccer game at 9pm and then Scott and I went into work at 10. not to emerge until 7am the following morning. I enjoy the night shift actually. Time goes by faster, no one distracts you and because all the machines are off, you can visually see the progress you are making when you clear tables of unfinished orders or pile up the tables with packaged vinyl stick figures. I have recently been moved to the vinyl department where mom and kathy work. Once I have my headphones on I don't talk to anyone lol. It's good because there is a lot to do and the more I do lessens the amount of pressure on the rest of the department. So when I work at night I lock myself up there with the radio blasting Christmas music. *confession* I don't mind Delilah. She is positive, religious and laughs at just about anything just to humor the person's, regularly, mediocre story or memory. In a world of crap, where people are entertained by the various ways somebody can die and you find yourself thinking " A kidnapped child again?" or " Oh geez a serial killer who targets single mothers and strings them up by their entrails and collects their teeth as a trophy, HOW ORIGINAL..." thats when we need a kind hearted voice over the radio telling us to pray more and keep the Spirit of Christmas in our hearts all year long. Anyway, I listen to 8 different versions of the same song in a 45 minute span and then go down to the sanding table for a couple hours. Did anyone see the Lunar eclipse? Scott and I were keeping our eye on it from 5am to 7. It was pretty neat. Somehow I feel like the moon and I have a strange connection but I will have to expand on that another time. I had my interview with Help International and it went really well. The girl sounded optimistic about my answers and now we are just waiting on my application to go through. So I get home from work at 7, sleep for 2 hours, wake up and Skype with my friend (which was really good) and then I was running around the rest of the night. I felt like a zombie. My body was tired as all get out but my mind was really active. Mom, Dad, Lisa and I ate dinner and went and saw "New years eve" same people that made the movie "valentines day". It really felt like the writers had a meeting before the movie was made that went a little like this"
             *men enter a room and sit down*
'alright guys what do we have?'
              "all i have is a sub-par love thing about two people that get stuck in an elevator for 8 hours..."
'nice. Frank what about you?'
              "well, all me and my gaming buddies could come up with while playing Gears 3 last night was a story about a rebellious 15 year old who runs away from her mom to go kiss a boy at midnight...but get this! The mom is actually this other dudes hot date from the year before that totally gave him the shaft.
'alright, I can work with that. Sam you're up.'
*Sam (who has already fallen asleep) wakes up suddenly.*
             "Oh, uh...so there is this uh nurse....oh a really hot nurse *winks and nudges the guy next to him* and she helps this guy who's dying...cuz...well she's a nurse, and uh. the kicker is she is an army wife so you don't get to see her kiss anyone?....maybe? *eyeing the director for approval*
'I like it!'
            "SIR!" yells a guy running in late "SIR! I have an idea! What if there was this girl who doesn't even have a story! like, it keeps everyone on their seats and in the end everyone is like, 'wait...what about that...' and all she really does is make this big speech that really is only like 15 seconds long.
'hmmmmmm, how would that fit?'
            "fit?...sir?..... can't we just put some symphonic music behind it and hire some people to cry on camera?
'perfect!...what was your name again?'
            "Jared, haha I don't work for you, I'm just the mail guy..."
*newly discovered, idea, mailman exits*


' COME ON PEOPLE! WE NEED AT LEAST 30 MORE CAMEOS HERE! THIS MOVIE ISN'T GOING TO PAY FOR ITS SELF! AND WE ALL KNOW WE DO NOT HAVE THE FUNDS TO DO THIS MOVIE ANYWAY!'
            "um Sir?"
'yes Sam'
            " ok, so what if there was this really hot blonde chef who falls in love with a 60 year old rockstar, BUT the whoooole time you are wanting them to get off the camera so you can really just watch a movie about her sue chef? Even hotter, sue chef...*Sam winks and nudges the same guy who is now super annoyed and wondering how his 8 years of college got him into this mess. He just barely survived Valentines day and sheds a tear for the next holiday this horrible company is going to ruin by using its name.*


'Sam...you have a gift.'
          " oh, well thank you, my parents always said I was their special boy."
'That you are Sammy boy, that you are. Steve you are next.'
          " well sir, frankly I have been wondering if I could put in my two weeks..."
'Steve you're fired'
         "Oh thank you sir! Thank you! THANK YOU!"
* guy that got nudged looks in longing for his comrade who walks out the door to his freedom*


' alright boys that gave me an idea, lets have this old woman, who hates her job, socially and mentally awkward, quits her job, falls in love with a bike-mail boy, makes a list of things she wants him to do before the new year in order for him to get tickets to a party that he wont even go to until the credits are rolling! AND, get this.  HE TAKES THE OLD WOMAN! and not the millions of girls he hits on nearly every scene of the film. Lets see am I forgetting anyone? hmmmm oh, you.' *points at the miserable guy next to Sam*
'What do you have?'
           " what about a guy who attends a random wedding just so he can be forced to explain his story to the drivers wife because his car breaks down? throw in a dirty old grandpa with one thing on his mind, chubby kids, and oh, make the driver a pastor with good but really obvious advice like "follow your heart".
'Then what?'
         "Sir?"
'Well, what happens to him?'
         "what...happens to him....ummm....he gives a speech at a party, women throw themselves at him but he tells them "no" because he has to meet a girl at midnight....
         "A hooooot girl.." *nudges Sam*
         "uh yeah, how bout the Hot nurse?"
'no can do, shes taken'
         "ok, um what about the Hot chef?"
'she gets with the 60 year old rocker who has to sing poor remakes of songs nobody liked to begin with because we will OBVIOUSLY not be able to afford the 100+ hits that he actually wrote. Try again.'
          "The even hotter sue chef maybe?"
'that would make this movie oscar worthy *man in back chokes on his coffee* and we don't want to ALL have to go up there and answer for Valentines day now would we?'
 *everyone hangs their head and shakes no*.
          "well, the old crazy woman gets with the young teen star, and the guy and girl in the elevator get together, all thats left is the mom of the stereo typical 'I'm such a good girl who does everything right, you never let me have fun, you are just making me miserable because you want me to be like you. get a boyfriend mom' girl. I guess we could..


'Perfect. Get someone really disappointing to play that mom's role like that sex in the city chick. not the old blonde one, the homely, eternally single Character. Ha ha I mean, who would worry about their shoes after being mugged in New york? Am I right? *everyone agrees but Sam who is intriguingly offended. he leaves the room to go find his bearings.* and someone REALLY cool to play the guy you were talking about. Like that Bad-A soldier from transformers, not the shy buff kid from Even Stevens. I'm talkin' bout the guy who tore that Mega-patronous to pieces before saving the castle from Boldemorg'
          "Voldemort"
'Baldymort'
         "Voldemort"
'Baltimore' *Kenley laughs from the back*
'Harriet Tubman and the deadly swallows was my inspiration for a lot of movies I made.'


* truth be told his wife changed the movie from Transformers to Harry Potter while he was sleeping and when he woke up didn't want to give off the impression that he didn't know what was going on, so he filled in the gaps with his mind.*


'Well, thats all the time our budget allows for us to plan this movie so leave everything here and I will have the intern "M" clean up while we are on our indefinite coffee break.
  *"M" is Sam's little sister, hired because the boss thinks she looks like Judy Dench and all he has her really do is refer to him as James Bond and threaten to arrest him for treason to the Queen if he doesn't stop being so awesome. A pretty sweet gig for her, but she doesn't know who Judy Dench is. Dun Dun Dun*
     "But sir we have only been here 10 minutes.."
'and?'
     "well...I...uh....I guess there isn't much else we can do with perfection is there?"
 *man chokes on coffee again*
'Thats a wrap!'
  *All the men leave the room to find Sam sitting against the wall, biting his knees and crying while mumbling to himself "doesn't he know how much she paid for those shoes? They were on sale too..." While trying to help him up, "M", who recently googled Judy Dench, stormed into the meeting room and threw all the papers together into one big script. And just to spite the boss, added 50 more useless cameos.






I hope you got more enjoyment out of reading that then you did watching New years eve. Could you tell that I lost interest in talking about the movie? haha Anyway. It's now 3:48 am and I couldn't be more satisfied with my post.


안냥

Internship

I submitted my application to Help International a couple of days ago in hopes that I am accepted into their program as an intern. Help International is a non profit organization dedicated to helping those in need in a bunch of different countries. Jordan Bastian went to Thailand and loved it. So I applied to Thailand as my first choice and Peru as my second. I should hear back from them next week. I have Brother Haws and Bishop Boyle as my character and Professional references so I am comforted by that a bunch haha. If I get accepted I will leave early May and come back Late August. That means that I will go to school for the winter, Internship in the summer, come back for the fall then stay for the next winter and summer...lots of school but I am excited thinking about the future. 

A Christmas Poems

SANTA or SATAN
So there was this guy, who dressed up in red.
He'd creep in your house when your kids went to bed.
He'd give you everything based on your little heart's desire
only to vanish where there was fire.


REINDEER CAN'T STOP TO POOP.
Santa was yelling and tugging real good
to avoid the used car lots and all of their hoods.
"I gotta go!" yelled Donner real loud. 
"You'll just have to hold it, can't you see that crowed?!" 
"I'm gonna esplode if I don't let loose!" cried Dasher as his harness pulled tighter, like unto a noose. 
"You should have gone before we left just like the rest of the troop. cuz their ain't no time for stoppin' for you to take a poop. 
"Rig up a stocking" yelled Santa without blinkin', "There are two naughty twins coming up here in Lincoln."
A few centuries ago St. Nick fixed the hole, figuring it only made sense that reindeer pooped coal.

Chinese video

Chinese class final project. We had to have 10 minutes of dialogue and after filming we only had 4...so I made up the 6 with...well...my idea of what a good movie would consist of.

Harry Potter Halloween Costume Action Shot With Leaves At Night

Kenley took this before they took off from my house on Halloween. Pretty good timing I would say. 

addicted to quack haha

Old habits die hard

I Saw this yesterday and I laughed sooo hard. I don't know much about Occupy anyplace but I do know that old habits are hard to break ;)

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Occupy Wall Street Divided
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor & Satire Blog The Daily Show on Facebook

Funny pics I found to fill the void of facebook

 We are simple creatures ladies....simple creatures. 

 This was made me laugh because it caught me off guard and I had to save it!

 This one is tough to read but i hope you zoom in on it cuz its a good one. 

 This one isn't very funny until the very last picture " TUUUUUUUUBE" HAHAHA

 I ordered a shirt last night that says "Pumba" instead of "Puma" and it has a silhouette of Pumba jumping over the "A" lol it should be epic. 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA I can't begin to tell you how hard this made me laugh and how much I love this picture! I hope you enjoyed it too!

First Halloween Costume

My friends invited me on short notice to a halloween party one night and I told them that I didn't have a costume. They told me that they would dress me up as a Twilight fan, so I told them that I would put my own spin on it and this is what I came up with. 

As far as who I would really choose. Hermione. Rosalie is soooo attractive but she has some serious anger issues and she's ice cold. She needs blood to survive and I would have to be related to Edward and Bella and nobody wants to be around that for more than an hour and half anyway. Hermione, beautiful, smart, modest, has magic powers, more or less human. He who must not be named isn't around anymore so there's no problem there. And our kids would be way too cool.

Ok....so after I looked online for some good pictures of them both I have concluded that I was a little too harsh on my girl Rosalie. I would date Nikki Reed over Emma Watson. Deciding factor? They both have tattoos but Nikki's is more "Hide-able" than Emma's. That and Emma's is worthy of a mug-blood. 

Mother lover?...common Griffindor Grad.

I couldn't resist. :)

Facebook Fast

               I like how people refer to a break from Facebook as a fast. I don't fully understand what they mean other than the fact that they are not going to have it for a while. But I know that fasting has a lot to do with answers to questions or clarification on things. Maybe even added strength for yourself or others. So how does Facebook fasting fit that description? I think that detachment from the world is a common factor in the equation. There is a lot of power that comes from saying "World. Go away." 'But what about your friends?!?!', You ask. "Or if someone wants to chat with you?? Or or if you get an important message or post?! Heaven forbid you get a friend request that goes unaddressed!?! or or ....well...." People. I'm going to tell you "Well, Nothing." Life will move on with or without you and Facebook. Your real friends will call or visit, and your potential love life will become a reality as you live in...Well, reality.

              So what do you expect from a fast? Or what do I think that I am going to accomplish by this? A little perspective, a little clarity and a little detachment from the 100% positive, eventful or 100% miserable complaining lives out there. I know this sounds a little negative but this is definitely a positive move ;)

 Not bad for a pocket knife, and ping-pong ball  eyes right? I like the bottom one best because it reminds me of one of the knockers on Labyrinth. eh? eh? 

 Jake is feeling loads better from his surgeries. This was the second day out of the hospital after being in there almost a month. We were at BreAnns house in Nampa. They bought this property with TONS of cool stuff on it. like a church, a mining town, and a large pond with waterfall and paddle boats.

 Cool huh? I guess they removed like 20 stone statues. This is the same girl that sang at Sarah's wedding.

 I love this costume. I have a picture of Bella and Cora in this one. Soooo stinkin cute.

A little mummy snacks at a halloween party I stopped by. I was dressed as a 5th year, very handsome I might add, wizard. Kenley has the only known pictures of me and my wand blowing leaves around in the yard. So hopefully those turn out good.

pumpkins and beards

So my first attempt to put these picture on here in any sort of order was thwarted by the sites very difficult picture placement.  

 Mom superglued her fingers together as she was, at the same time glueing my ripped pants together. She likes to keep my work pants looking good for all the shop guys as we all walk on our knees making boxes and packaging. She had googone close at hand because she is a skilled finger-ungluer.

 Here is my beard at 2 weeks. new record btw.

 I was going to do lighting chops buuut American Choppers came on and there were a pair of dark sunglasses on the counter and I couldnt resist. It only stayed on my face until my dad came home and could see it haha American Choppers was playing when he came in so it set it up nicely.

 This is the first pumpkin carving of the season for me. Done at my friend Richea's Apt. aka The Castle. I was going to get some pics of the inside of her place, because it has to be the coolest pad in down town Boise but it was the first time I was there and newbies taking pictures or your home is creepy in any state. Every year she throws a "Concert at the castle" event where she invites friends and a band to play a couple sets for everyone. This years band was a couple that would travel all over the world and sing folk music. They met at an "Honesty" convention where people practice speaking honestly to each other and about themselves. Very Earthy and down to...earth people who had actually been to Korea so we had a nice chat.

 This was Clayton's wedding cake! How cool is that. nuff said

 2nd and prize winning pumpkin my Friend Savanna and I carved at our Home Evening group.

 The knife was a good visual for us but the X-factor to our pumpkin wasn't even the tounge...but the saliva. Look closely

 Third pumpkin and, I believe, my most creative. Behold.

THE RED RING OF DEATH! DA DA DAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH if you don't know what that is or why its so scary. Well look it up. red ring of death xbox 360.